where does your grief go

 How do you deal with your grief?

You cry

You call your people

You think about who that person was, the person you grieve

You hold it in

You let it out

You write it down 

The stories. The memories. The things that matter. The things you wish you said and done when they were still here.

I think that's what most people do.

That’s what I did when I learned about Dave. We were driving. I got a message. I told my husband. I cried. Later, we called the kids. I contacted some friends. I tried to write something. Then I sat with my husband in our living room drinking endless cups of coffee, sharing our memories, reading through the dozens of plays we wrote together- words on a page that bring him back to us. And we laughed. I forgot how funny the three of us found ourselves.

For a moment, Dave was with us in that room, just like the old days, drinking those endless cups of coffee, telling stories, adding funny bits to the script, getting wrangled back into line by me, and laughing. It was like our memories had the power to bring him back to us.

I deal with my grief by remembering Dave. Who was he, really?

People will tell you he was funny, maybe the funniest guy they ever met. With his encyclopedic memory for jokes and one liners, his mellifluous voice and his expert timing, no one delivered a joke or told a story quite like Dave.

People will tell you he was smart, maybe the smartest guy they ever met. When Dave turned 50, Gail had pencils made up for him that said “polymath’ because he knew so much about so many things. Science. Nature. Music. Warfare. History.  Obscure references to weird things-movies, books, TV shows. Things you knew nothing about.

He was an independent guy. He didn’t like to plan. He didn’t like to ask for help. He liked to think of himself as a handyman. He talked about building his garage and coming up with projects just as an excuse to buy new tools. I'm just gonna leave that there.

Sometimes he talked tough about himself as a teacher, but tough was the opposite of who he was. He had a soft heart and an endless capacity for second chances. He was a conflict avoider and a peacemaker.  He was generous with his time except when he really didn’t want to do something and then he just wouldn't.

He played things close to the vest and it was hard to know what was in his deepest thoughts. Gail called me shortly after they were married and she said, “You and Len know more about what goes on in his head than I do,” to which I replied, “I don't think so, Gail. No one knows what goes on in Dave’s head.”

Our kids at Dave and Gail's wedding

When Dave and Gail got together, it was a miracle. There in a town as small as Slave Lake, these two unique people found each other. Gail with her big heart and strong political views and quirky fashion sense and inappropriate remarks. Dave with his big heart and no political views and no fashion sense and inappropropriate jokes. Maybe it wasn't a miracle. Maybe it was inevitable. Dan says Gail saved Dave's life and in a way, she did. He had a darkness in him, and the darkness abated when she came in. It came back when she left.

After he and Gail got married, their home came alive. It was like the loving home they made together needed to be shared with everyone. Whist parties, Family Day cookie parties with foosball in the basement, NDP organizing meetings. A place where all were welcome, including the strays Gail brought home from the gym and the couples she tried to set up. 

Gail at a Christmas Party

I don’t know what the stages of grief looked like for Dave as he mourned the loss of Gail.

When we visited, he didn’t say what was in his heart. He didn’t need to. It was there in the dying plants and the unopened mail and the empty shell their once vibrant home had become. His grief lay heavy. I know friends and family rallied around. His family and his friends and his community were there on every step of his journey back to the light. Each time we saw Dave, we saw progress out of that emptiness.

Grief is why I write this. 

Grief is why I share this. 

Grief is why we drive 9 hours in the winter cold to be with our friends as we pay tribute to Dave.

Because although grief is intensely personal and private, it’s also shared.

Len and Dave in "The Nerd"

No one knows what lies in wait for us on the other side. Maybe- as Dave and Gail believed and I fervently hope- there is an afterlife. Or perhaps there’s a parallel universe of infinite possibilities. In that other place, here’s what I imagine:

A dark and intimate theatre. 

Everyone you know and love is there. There’s Bill and Ellen. Neil and Sue. Sean and Kim. Jean and Roy. The Lehmans. The Schuellers. The Symington brothers and their families. Dorothy and Roald and all the Ungstads. There’s Bruce and Kelly. Dan and Caroline. Joe and Connie. The Allans. The Tanasiuks. Like, ALL the Tanasiuks. And all the others. You'll be there too, you know who you are.

Everyone is waiting. 

They’re waiting for Dave.

And there he is. Up on the stage, illuminated by the overhead lights he installed himself. Probably just minutes before the show.

He’s telling one of his million stories about the seven Symington brothers. 

His voice is warm. He pauses in all the right places as he waits for his audience to join him in the world he recreates for us.. We follow him into his chaotic house, trooping after his brothers as they steal the flag or shoot the arrow. We follow him as his harried mom gets the call about the flag, as his dad snaps the arrow in half. The room comes alive with his stories. Everyone smiles. Then they laugh. Slow at first and building. 

One laugh is louder than all the others. It’s Gail. Her laugh so loud and infectious, it fills the room.  

That’s what I picture. Dave and Gail together again. Everyone where they belong. A community. Conjured up through the power of memory and spirit, Dave and Gail live.

That’s how I deal with my grief.

Photo courtesy Joe McWilliams

Everything we teach our kids not to be: a teacher’s thoughts on Trump

Teachers in Canada's public schools see a true cross section of humanity in their work every day. They see the rich and the poor, the talented and the struggling, immigrants, refugees, longtime citizens, kids with disabilities, those with devoted parents and those with parents who are challenged to support their kids. Out of that whole mix of people, they create community.

One might think political leaders would understand their job is to build and support communities that serve all their constituents. Those born to intergenerational wealth and intergenerational poverty, as well as the nouveau riche and the recently impoverished. The successful and the struggling. "Old stock" citizens, refugees and recent immigrants. Those who share their ideology and those with whom they disagree.

Sadly, this is not the case. Politicians today thrive on creating a divisive attitude. They do not thrive on creating inclusivity. That means putting some people down and raising other people up, even if they are not deserving. It means mocking those who are different. It can mean saying those who disagree are "the enemy" or "the enemy within". It can mean making up "facts" to suit their purposes. If they benefit from having rich and powerful friends or nations, they are happy to kowtow to them.

No one exemplifies this more than Donald Trump.

Trump is everything we as teachers teach our kids not to be. 

As teachers, we teach our kids not to make fun of others. It's not ok to mock their disabled classmates. It's not ok to call people names. We teach them to accept and learn from people who are different from ourselves- not to demean them for their race, gender, beliefs and ideas. We teach them not to be bullies and not to exert power over other peoples’ bodies. We teach them about consent. We teach them not to lie to get out of trouble. We teach them not to make things up to build themselves up. We teach them to share. We teach them to use reason in their arguments. We teach them to tell the difference between fact and fiction. We work to create a community where all voices are heard. At least, that is the hope. That is the dream.

Trump exemplifies everything we teach our kids not to be. He mocks people relentlessly, he calls people names, he instills fear of the "other", and he works to divide instead of unite. He makes up lies about his own intelligence, his income level, the size of his crowds, his medical knowledge, who he knows, what he can do, and his sexual prowess. He doesn't appear to distinguish fact from fiction. And he is proud of all those things. I wonder how he thinks he can serve others with that attitude and the answer is simple- he doesn't care about service.

I wonder how many of Trump’s followers got into trouble at school because they mocked a disabled kid or made a racist remark or bullied another kid? How many of them got a bad mark on an essay because they couldn’t back up an opinion with facts? And now along comes a man who is celebrated for all the things they got into trouble for. A man who is vindication for all the things they were told they shouldn’t be. No wonder some people love him. He criticizes the very foundation of a society that they believe has failed them.

Teachers know that a community is a tapestry composed of many threads that all need to support one another for the fabric to hold. Trump and his followers are working to destroy the fabric of American society- a fabric that was based on freedom, equality, and opportunity for all- on democracy and rule of law and the institutions designed to support a just society. All Trump's talk about “making America great again” is just code for giving some Americans more rights than others. He plays into the inequality experienced by Americans as a way to gain power. He knows it's easier to promote division and unrest than compromise and consensus. It's easier to break than to fix.

In a classroom, when teachers see this kind of behaviour, they have to try to see where it’s coming from in order to correct it. If we don't think about the conditions that have created people who think and behave in certain ways, we can't even start to move forward. There are issues confronting American society- in fact, confronting everyone on this planet. Population growth, climate change, economic inequality, poverty, homelessness, the rising cost of living, the inordinate power of the rich over the poor, changing demographics, changing values, the loss of power for young white men - all play into what is going on. Not simple problems, nor simple solutions. But if you don't see where it's coming from, how do you change it? Change is hard. Anger is easy.

Countless books and articles have tried to explain the rise of Trump. I've tried to understand it. I understand that people are angry with the status quo and Trump promised change. Now he is in charge of the most powerful nation in the world. How do we deal with that?  I know a lot of people who are just burying their heads in the sand, turning off the news, and focussing on local issues. Lately that's become hard to do when the man wants to turn your nation into the 51st state.

I AM CANADIAN

We all remember the classic "I am Joe and I am Canadian" which became more of a rallying cry than an ad for Molson's beer. But it was pretty effective advertising.

We identify with brands as part of our national identity. Sporting your Roots bag or your HBC Stripes scarf and your red Canada mitts while tossing back a CC and coke shows the world who you are.

YES.

YOU ARE CANADIAN.

During this recent threat of a trade war with our southern neighbour-as I endeavoured to support Canadian brands and boycott American ones- it became clear that some of the brands we think of as being classically Canadian are in reality owned by foreign shareholders and private equity corporations. While they may promote their Canadian identity, hire Canadians and manufacture their product in Canada, they are often run by giant multinational corporations based in countries that are not Canada. Their profits are not going back into our country. Kind of sad, really.

The stories of many of our iconic Canadian companies are an interesting part of our past. Here is a little of what I learned!

Alberta Premium Named as Canadian Whiskey of the year 5 times in Jim Murray’s “Whiskey Bible’, the distillery has its roots in Calgary going back to 1946. Sold in 1967. Current Owner: Suntory of Japan

Canadian Club  Hiram Walker of Detroit founded his distillery in 1858 and moved across the river to Windsor during prohibition where he created his own model town to house his workeres. The whiskey was sold in “gentlemen's clubs”, thus the name. Owned by the same family until 1987. Current Owner: Suntory of Japan

Crown Royal  Introduced by Seagrams Distillery as part of Queen Elizabeth II's royal visit to Canada in 1939 (thus the crown shaped bottle). Once sold in purple velvet pouches, it was exclusively sold in Canada until 1964. Distilled in Gimli Manitoba.

Current Owner: Diageo of Great Britain since 2000

Habitant Soup  This traditional French Canadian pea and ham soup has been produced in Quebec since 1918. It was originally made in a small grocery store in Montreal owned by the Morin family. Marie Blanche Morin canned a batch of the traditional soup that her mother made at home for her 15 children. They gave away the first batch and then people started asking for more. Sales increased and they created a factory called Dominion Preserving Ltd. It was purchased by Montreal's Catelli in 1968. Rival Campbells tried to make their own version, it flopped and they finally just bought the company. Still made in Canada.

Current Owner: Campbell Soup of New Jersey since 1989.

Hudsons Bay Company. Canada’s iconic oldest company, operating since 1670.

Current Owner: NRDC Equity of New York since 2008 

Kicking Horse Coffee. This company got its start in 1996 just up the road from me in Invermere BC by two people working out of their garage. It has been our coffee of choice for a good dozen years. Organic and fair trade. 

Current Owner: Lavazza of Italy since 2017.

Molson Canadian Molson Brewery was founded in 1786 on the St Lawrence River by the entrepreneurial Molson family. These guys had sawmills and their own bank that eventually merged with the Bank of Montreal. It still brews beer on the same site. Molson was the originator of the classic bit of advertising, “I am Joe and I am Canadian”. Merged with Coors in 2005 and own several international brands including Heineken, Fosters Lager and TIger

Current Owner: Molson Coors, jointly Canadian and US based.

Mountain Equipment Company  Formerly Mountain Equipment Coop, founded in Vancouver in 1971, at one time it both made and sold its own line of goods to its members.  It's been our go-to for camping gear and outdoor wear for decades. Faced with financial difficulties during the pandemic, it was sold in 2020. There is talk it is about to change hands again.

Current Owner: Kingswood Capital Management of Los Angeles

Roots Canadian footwear, leather and apparel company that proudly displays the beaver logo, founded in Toronto in 1973. Sold in 2015.

Current Owner: Searchlight Capital of the US

Tim Hortons  Founded in Hamilton Ontario in 1964. These operator owned franchises merged with Burger King in 2014 to form Restaurant Brands International. 

Current Owner: Restaurant Brands International, a subsidiary of 3G Capital of Brazil.